Gratitude is Something You Can Control, Even if Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control

Insights:

5 Things You Can Control When Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control:  #5 Gratitude

Sometimes we can feel lost, helpless, and bordering on hopeless in our marriages. Have you ever felt this way? Do you feel that way now? What can you do when you feel this way?  

Most of us find things that we think we can control but eventually discover that does not work. There is only one person that you can control and that is the person looking back at you in the mirror. Until we accept that truth, nothing will change. So repeat this three times, “The only person you can control is you.” Now write it down and post it where you see it everyday. 

This week let’s look at one final thing you can control: Gratitude

With all that is going on in the world, there are so many things that I am thankful for. No one can take that away from me. Gratitude is something I can control. 

How does gratitude make a difference for us? For me, it helps to balance out the negative in life, and actually tips the scales towards the positive. Dwelling on what I have control over, rather than what I don’t makes a difference. It doesn’t change my circumstances, but it does change my perspective. It’s what I choose to focus on. It changes the lens that I view life through. It’s where I put my energy.  

A number of years ago I had lunch with a man who was a mentor to me. I was complaining. I was focusing on the negative. I spewed for about ten minutes without even taking a breath. I was on rock bottom and not happy about it.  Finally, when I took that breath, he looked at me and smiled and said, “Okay now let’s talk about what you are grateful for.”

At first,I was a little ticked off at him. Didn’t he hear me? There is nothing to be grateful for. I stared back at him with a “what do you expect me to do?” expression. He asked me a series of questions. Are your kids still healthy? Yes. Are they on drugs or involved in anything harmful? No. Does Nancy still love you? Yes. Do you have a church home that you love? Yes. Your counseling practice is going well and you are helping people? Yes. Awesome Marriage has helped change marriages around the world? Yes. Are you healthy? Yes. God still loves you.  Yes. 

Then he said, “What if you started a gratitude list? Write it down and as other things occur to you add them. Each morning, lift those to God. For the next month, let your prayers only be gratitude. All that other stuff you were complaining about, God knows and He has you covered.  You don’t need to dwell on them. Put it all in His hands. He will provide all you need. Just be grateful.”  

Then my friend said something to me that I will never forget.  It truly changed my perspective.  He said, “If the only thing God ever did for you was to send Jesus to die for your sins and be your Savior, isn’t that enough?”  

As I left lunch that day, I was changed. I decided to put all my complaints at God’s feet and be grateful each day. It changed my life. Oh, there are still times I can focus on the negative but I don’t get stuck there anymore. I just express gratitude. I just thank Him for all the amazing things in my life. I thank Him for what I have learned from the trials instead of focusing on the trial. I thank Him for the car I have that works really well instead of focusing on the new car my neighbor has, which has always been my dream car. I thank Him for a wife who really works hard at loving me unconditionally. I thank Him for my Savior whose sacrificial love for me is still a mystery to me.  

Gratitude. I can control that and so can you.

 Next Steps For You:

  • How often do you take time to be grateful compared to the time you spend complaining?

  • Make your own gratitude list and then use that as your guide in your time with God.

  • Do this for 30 days and let me know what God does in your life.

2 Minute Drill

Mark Batterson and I talk about choosing battles well – so that not everything becomes a battle!

Quick Hits

This Week’s Quote: Stan Laurel

Let’s reach way back this week to look at Stan Laurel. Born on June 19, 1890, he was an English comic actor, writer, and film director and half of the comedy duo Laurel and Hardy. Together they made 107 short films, feature films, and cameo roles.

  • A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

  • I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

This Week’s Trivia Question: The Movies

  • The films The King's Speech and The English Patient feature which English actor?

Did You Know?  

  • Antarctica is covered in a sheet of ice that's 7,000 feet thick. That is about 19 football fields!

Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: How Does Porn Affect a Marriage?

AM YouTube Channel: Is Marriage Worth It?

AM YouVersion Plan: 6 Prayers For Engaged Couples

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  • Colin Firth

Kim KimberlingComment
5 Things You Can Control When Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control: #4 Taking Care Of Yourself

Insights:

5 Things You Can Control When Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control:  #4 Taking Care Of Yourself

Sometimes we can feel lost, helpless, and bordering on hopeless in our marriages. Have you ever felt this way? Do you feel that way now? What can you do when you feel this way?  

Most of us find things that we think we can control but eventually discover that does not work. There is only one person that you can control and that is the person looking back at you in the mirror. Until we accept that truth, nothing will change. So repeat this three times, “The only person you can control is you.” Now write it down and post it where you see it everyday. 

This week let’s look at another thing you can control: Taking Care Of Yourself.

You are not Superman or Wonder Woman. You are human and when you admit that, you have made the first step towards giving yourself permission to take care of yourself.  

Sometimes you will be the only one who sees your need. Maybe your spouse does not see it because you don’t show them. Maybe you are really trying to get all your self esteem from being a great parent, spouse or both. Now, there is nothing wrong with being the parent and spouse God wants you to be. That is actually healthy. What is unhealthy is getting your whole identity from those roles and you are wearing yourself out. 

Plus you will find that what you do is never enough. You are always evaluating yourself. It's like you are climbing this great ladder and each time you reach the top you add on another rung or two to climb. You may fool yourself for a while thinking you are in control but you are heading towards a train wreck.  

Taking care of your mental, spiritual and physical health is not just okay for you to do, it is essential. Plus, these are things that you can control. Here are a couple of ideas.

1) Your Mental Health 

  • What are you taking in? What do you watch, read or listen to? What do you think or worry about? All of these go into your mental health. Try this, make a list of the things you watch and listen to. How do these things make you feel? Are they positive or negative? Do they lift you up or let you down? 

  • As far as “worry,” list out all your worries. Then go back and circle each one that you have no control over. You now have your new prayer list. Lift them to God each day and leave them in God’s hands. This will take some work and practice, especially if you have been a chronic worrier for a long time but don’t give up. 

  • Now look at the things left on your list that you do have control over. Make a plan for each and then carry out that plan or take them one at a time and work on them. You have just put some structure to your worries and you will not believe the difference it makes for you.

2) Your Spiritual Health 

  • Part of good spiritual health involves doing what we just did with your worries. Now what else helps? I want you to have a daily time with just you and God. I know you don’t have the time. Right, I get that but this is super important for you. It may take a little schedule rearranging or getting up earlier. Start with 30 minutes a day. Nancy and I both have found that first thing in the morning works for us. The important thing is to find a time that works for you and stick with it. In that time, pray and read the Bible. There are so many great YouVersion plans on the Bible app on so many different topics. At Awesome Marriage we have over 40 plans there. 

  • Here are a couple of other things that are great for spiritual health. A couples Bible study and not just attending church but getting connected there. All of these are things you can do that are in your control.

3) Your Physical Health 

  • This is another thing you think you don't have time for but, I promise, you really do.  Number one is sleep. Sleep is essential. If you have any doubts about the importance of sleep, read or listen to Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker. It will change the way you look at sleep and how vital it is to our lives.

  • Eating healthy and working out really make a difference. You feel better and you feel better about yourself. Eat healthy. Cook healthy. Work in a splurge or two a week but be aware of what you are putting into your body. Then think about workouts, walks, runs, workout videos, exercise groups. 

  • Just start somewhere because you need it and your body needs it. Consider a family gym membership. That can be a great investment in your physical health. You have complete control over your physical health. What are you going to do about it?  

Taking care of yourself is so important. You are not being selfish; actually taking care of yourself is one of the absolute best things you can do for yourself and your family!

Next Steps For You:

  • What do you need to do to take better care of yourself? 

  • What has kept you from taking care of yourself in the past? 

  • Will you commit to take better care of your mental, spiritual, and emotional health beginning today?

2 Minute Drill

In this clip from our conversation, Gary Thomas spells out some of the ways internal stress can damage a marriage

Quick Hits

This Week’s Quote: Vince Lombardi

Vincent Thomas Lombardi was born on June 11, 1913 in Brooklyn. He is often considered the greatest coach in football history. He is best known as the head coach of the Green Bay Packers during the 1960s, leading them to three straight and five total NFL Championships in seven years, in addition to winning the first two Super Bowls at the conclusion of the 1966 and 1967 NFL seasons.

  • We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.

  • Football is a great deal like life in that it teaches that work, sacrifice, perseverance, competitive drive, selflessness and respect for authority is the price that each and every one of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile.

  • Read more Vince Lombardi quotes here

This Week’s Trivia Question: History

  • What Benedictine monk invented champagne?

Did You Know?  

  • You know that Mister Rogers was known for his zip-up cardigan sweaters, but did you know that his mother knit each of them?

Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: When God Meets Us Where We Are with Eric and Erikah Rivera

AM YouTube Channel: 3 Quick & Simple Things You Can Say To Change Your Marriage Today

AM YouVersion Plan: “4 Ways To Fight Fair In Marriage” by Christina Dodson, COO of Awesome Marriage

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  • Dom Pierre Pérignon

Kim KimberlingComment
5 Things You Can Control When Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control: #3 Speaking to the Potential in Your Spouse

Insights:

5 Things You Can Control When Your Marriage Seems Out Of Control:  #3 Speaking to the Potential in Your Spouse

Sometimes we can feel lost, helpless, and bordering on hopeless in our marriages. Have you ever felt this way? Do you feel that way now? What can you do when you feel this way?  

Most of us find things that we think we can control but eventually discover that does not work. There is only one person that you can control and that is the person looking back at you in the mirror. Until we accept that truth, nothing will change. So repeat this three times, “The only person you can control is you.” Now write it down and post it where you see it everyday. 

This week let’s look at another thing you can control: Speaking to the potential in your spouse.

My primary love language is words of affirmation, so when Nancy encourages me and tells me I did a good job or I can do a good job it makes a huge difference for me.  

I love writing and since the beginning of Awesome Marriage, I have written a lot. Up to 2014 everything I wrote was in the form of a blog or a post on social media. Then I wrote a couple of books that we self published. My dream was to have a book published with a major publisher. I sent ideas and some of my writing to publishers. Their response was always nice but it usually ended with “this book is just not a fit for us.” 

Then God did some amazing things. I had a friend who was a literary agent who had an in with publishers and in a relatively short period of time, I received a contract for a book with Zondervan  to write 7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage. I was ecstatic. I was assigned a team to support and help in the process. I received a check up front. 

Everything was set. I blocked off two days a week to do nothing but write. On day one, I sat down at my desk and stared at a blank screen. All kinds of thoughts rolled through my head. What in the world am I doing? Can I really write a book? What will the editors think when I send them drafts? Will they want their money back? 

I walked out of my office into the kitchen where Nancy was and sat down. I shared my thoughts and must have looked pretty downcast. Nancy came over and sat down beside me. She looked me in the eye and said, “You are believing lies. God has put you in this position because He wants you there. He will equip you for this. He is not going to let you down. You are a great writer. You are talented. This book will help so many couples.” 

For me, it was an immediate 180. The woman who knows me far better than anyone else believed in me. Those words made all the difference in the world.

Do you speak into your spouse and the potential you see in them? Do you tell them that you know they can be an amazing parent and encourage them as they take those steps? Do you encourage them as they seek to be a better spouse?  

Most of us don’t see how powerful our words are for our spouse. Your encouragement and words of affirmation can literally pull them from the gutter to the mountaintop. Speaking into your spouse is something you can control and the benefits will be amazing.

Next Steps For You:

  • Write out three things you can say to your spouse that will make a difference for them. 

  • Now share your three things with them OR each share three things with each other.

2 Minute Drill

Dannah Gresh drops the mic hard in this 50-second clip from our conversation about the problem of pornography.

Quick Hits

This Week’s Quote:  John F. Kennedy

John was born on May 29, 1917 in Brookline, Massachusetts. He was an American politician and served as the thirty-fifth President of the United States until his assassination in 1963. 

  • Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.

  • As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

This Week’s Trivia Question: History

  • Which mammal is known to have the most powerful bite in the world?

Did You Know?  

  • The official bird of Redondo Beach, California, is the Goodyear Blimp. In 1983, the coastal city made the Goodyear Blimp their official city bird in anticipation of the 1984 summer Olympics.

Something To Talk About

  • Would you rather participate in a 200-person food fight or a 5-day-long water balloon fight?

Awesome Marriage This week

AM Podcast: Unpack the Baggage In Your Marriage: How To Let It Go | Ep. 558

AM YouTube Channel: 4 Ways To Grow Your Marriage This Summer

AM YouVersion Plan: We have surpassed 4 million Awesome Marriage YouVersion plan subscriptions. What an exciting milestone! It is an honor to help people connect to God through Scripture. 

With almost 600,000 subscriptions, the #1 Awesome Marriage YouVersion plan is:  Seven Secrets To An Awesome Marriage

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  • Hippopotamus

Kim KimberlingComment