On a scale of 1-10, where is your marriage?

Insights:

 Marriage: One to Ten

As Dispatch takes a break for the next few months, I want to revisit the Insights I wrote in the very first Dispatch on November 2, 2019.

If I asked you to rate your marriage today on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being “awesome,” what would you say? Some of you would rate it a 10. Or maybe your marriage is so good that you would say 11 or 12! On the other end of the spectrum, some would say one or zero—or less than zero! 

The majority of us would probably be somewhere in the middle, depending on the day. There are some days you might give your marriage a seven or eight, and other days it might get only a four or five. No matter where you rate your marriage, these insights are for you!

As a counselor, I sometimes see couples that have a “10” marriage put their marriage on autopilot. They worked very hard to get to 10 and think they don’t have to work on it anymore. They assume that they can coast; simply sit back and reap the fruits of their efforts. There’s only one problem with this approach: it doesn’t work. 

If I were an artist (which I am not) and finished a great painting, my work would be over. I could sit back and relax and enjoy looking at it day after day. I wouldn’t have to work on it anymore. Marriage is not like that. Sure, all the effort reaps rewards, but if the effort does not continue, the marriage begins to slip. It is usually a slow process. One day you realize that while you were coasting, your marriage has gone from a 10 to an eight... a seven... a five ... or lower.

There are a lot of problems with a one or zero marriage, but the most damaging is that it is very easy to give up hope. You think, “We have been at one so long that we will never have the marriage we dreamed about.” Without hope, your marriage has no chance to grow. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. There is always hope. The hope is not in what you or your spouse can do; it is in what God can do.

For many in the middle of the scale, the biggest hurdle is getting over the temptation to just settle. You know it could be better and you know it could be worse, so you become complacent and just accept where you are. It’s easier that way. Just exist together and maintain the status quo. Others may have tried over and over to improve your marriage, but the results have been a roller coaster. Things get better, then worse, and then better again—and so on. Today, if you have given up on the “10” marriage, you too have settled.

No matter where your marriage is today, my guess is that you started out dreaming of a 10; but somehow, life got in the way. It happens to almost everybody. It happened to us. At some point over the years of our marriage, Nancy and I could have fit in every category above. Our marriage has been a 10 at times, and a zero at others. Our roller coaster has had some pretty steep hills and some unbelievable drops. Yet here we are today with a marriage that we cherish. 

The day you and your spouse committed your lives to each other, God made a commitment to you. His commitment was—and is—steadfast, even if yours was -- or is -- not. He is still there, and He still has the answers you don’t. No matter where your marriage is today, it can be better. God has a perfect plan. Your first step is so simple, but it will change your marriage. Here it is: Turn your marriage over to God. That’s it. Put Him first in your life and first in your marriage. Do that every day for a year, and you will not even begin to imagine all that God has in store for you. What are you waiting for?

Next Steps:

  • Turn your marriage over to God.

An update from me as the Dispatch takes a break

Quick Hits

This Week’s Music: My good friend Jeff Scott Wood has a new album, titled You Still Love Me Just the Same. This is Jeff’s first worship album to go along with his great country songs. Jeff has been a  friend of Awesome Marriage for years and donated awesome music for us to use on our podcast and in many other ways. The single and album are now available on Spotify, Apple, and iTunes. Check them out!

This Week’s Quote:    Harper Lee

To Kill a Mockingbird is timeless. From the first time I read it in high school to last year when I saw the play production starring Richard Thomas (John Boy Walton) as Atticus Finch, the story has been powerful. Author Harper Lee was born on April 28, 1926 in Monroeville, Alabama and won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for To Kill a Mockingbird. Her first name, Nelle, was her grandmother's name spelled backwards and the name she used, whereas Harper Lee was primarily her pen name.

  • You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

  • The book to read is not the one which thinks for you, but the one which makes you think. No book in the world equals the Bible for that.

  • From childhood on, I did sit in the courtroom watching my father argue cases and talk to juries.

This Week’s Trivia Question: 

Let’s close out trivia with 3 from the movie category

  • What substance is Han Solo frozen in during "The Empire Strikes Back"?

  • What famous character is known for saying, "I'll be back"?

  • Which movie famously featured ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion?

Did You Know:

Ketchup used to be sold as medicine. Back in 1834, people with indigestion were given a prescription for the condiment.

Something to Talk About:

What would you most like to change about yourself if you could?

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  • Han Solo was frozen in Carbonite

  • The Terminator said “I’ll be back”

  • My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion was in Titanic

Kim KimberlingComment
3 Ways To Improve Your Married Sex Life

Insights:  3 Ways To Improve Your Married Sex Life 

Most couples say they want a better sex life. Yet, most couples don’t do anything about it. They stay in the same routine, which is not necessarily bad, but could their sex life be better? Let’s look at 3 things that will help.

Change Things Up: Try new things or rekindle old ones in your sex life. This is a great way to keep things exciting and prevent boredom. You can experiment with new positions. Most couples settle into two or three positions they like best over the course of their marriage but trying something new can be fun. A Celebration of Sex is a great book to help you talk about new ideas together. Sometimes just changing locations can add a spark to your sex life. What about making a pallet for the two of you somewhere in your home? Get creative together. Talk about things you would like to try and see what you agree on. Changing things up gets the conversation about sex started, and that is a really good thing. What will you change up?

Foreplay: Foreplay is an essential part of sex. Taking the time to explore each other's bodies and build anticipation can lead to more intense orgasms and a more satisfying experience. I think we all know this but foreplay takes time and energy and we often just seem to get lazy. I know you cannot have a lot of foreplay every time you have sex, but make those times the exception and not the rule. Add things like music, candles, showers or baths together. Talk about what you like. Spending that extra time will make a difference. Why not make a commitment to setting aside the time to develop foreplay? 

Quality Time: Spending quality time together outside the bedroom can improve your sex life. Couples can engage in activities they both enjoy, share experiences, and strengthen their emotional connection, which can lead to more intimate and satisfying sex. Did you ever think about outside activities that way? Quality time together connects us and in my opinion, the more connected we are the better our sex lives will be. Will you talk about activities can you enjoy together this week?

Changing things up, working on foreplay, and enjoying an activity together will make your sex life better. 

Next Steps:

  • Set aside time to talk about these 3 things and how you can begin to integrate them into your marriage.

What will you be remembered for? Learn what it means to finish strong in this clip with Jim Ramos

Quick Hits

This Week’s Quote:    Beverly Cleary

Beverly Atlee Cleary was born on April 12, 1916 and died at the age of 104. She was one of America's most successful authors, selling 91 million copies of her books worldwide since her first book was published in 1950. Some of her best known characters are Ramona Quimby and Beezus Quimby, Henry Huggins and his dog Ribsy, and Ralph S. Mouse.

  • “I don't think children's inner feelings have changed. They still want a mother and father in the very same house; they want places to play.”

  • “I think adults sometimes don't think about how children are feeling about adult problems.”

  • "If you don't see the book you want on the shelves, write it."

This Week’s Trivia Question: 

What is the oldest toy in the world?

Did You Know:

Sharks can attack in the womb! Tiger shark embryos begin attacking each other in their mother’s womb.

Something to Talk About:

If you could make up a holiday, what would it celebrate?

Awesome MarRiage This week

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  •  A stick!

Kim KimberlingComment
How Can You Defeat Temptation?

Insights:

How do you define temptation? What tempts you? Do you ever feel guilty when you are tempted? 

First, the reality is that all of us will face temptation in our lives. Some seem to face it more than others and that can be for a number of reasons. For example, we know that when someone views porn, it does something in their brain that gives them gratification so there is a short term payoff. The more that process is repeated, the more difficult the temptation is to resist. And we know the long term consequences of porn on the person, the spouse and the marriage. 

Giving into temptations with food can lead to unwanted weight gain or health problems. We all seem to have a temptation that we struggle with but temptation alone is not a sin. Jesus was tempted when He walked this earth and we know that He did not sin. Sin comes when we act on our temptations. 

Let’s define temptation this way, “temptation is anything that promises satisfaction at the cost of our obedience to God.” There is this deceptive attraction with temptation. It promises immediate gratification and fulfillment. That’s what we are vulnerable to. We trade the long term for the short term and that short term satisfaction often can turn into a long term consequence.

When we say no to temptation and instead choose God’s best for us, we find that God’s plan for us is not a list of things we cannot do, rather it leads us to genuine happiness and a closer relationship with Him. Let’s apply this to your marriage. What are the temptations you face in regards to your marriage? What are the consequences of giving in to those temptations? Some temptations may have little or no consequences. With others, the consequences may be a marriage killer. 

We have temptations every day. They will continue to be a part of our lives. If we follow Jesus' example, we say no to them. We don’t rationalize or compromise. For me, when temptation comes, I need to take the time to weigh the consequences of giving in to it. If the choice comes down to satisfaction for me over obedience to God, with His help I choose God! How about you?


Next Steps:

  • What is your greatest temptation at this point in your life?

  • What steps do you need to take to choose God over the temporary satisfaction of giving in to the temptation?

Andi and Charlie Ashworth join me as we talk about making a difference in your neighborhood. Charlie (AKA Charlie Peacock) is a four-time Grammy winner and the founder of the Contemporary Music program in the School of Music at Lipscomb University in Nashville.

Quick Hits

This Week’s Quote:  

 John Madden

Born on April 10, 1936, John Earl Madden was an American football coach and sports commentator in the National Football League. He served as the head coach of the Oakland Raiders from 1969 to 1978, who he led to eight playoff appearances, seven division titles, seven AFL/AFC Championship Game appearances, and the franchise's first Super Bowl title in Super Bowl XI. Madden, who never had a losing season, holds the highest winning percentage among NFL head coaches.

  • Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble.

  • Don't worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon.

  • If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

This Week’s Trivia Question: 

Students at Purdue University engineered a “licking machine” to find out once and for all how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. How many licks did they conclude it took?

Did You Know:

The longest time between two twins being born is 90 days! Molly and Benjamin West are fraternal twins who were born in Baltimore, Maryland, on January 1 and March 30, 1996. Molly was three months premature, but doctors were able to hold off Benjamin’s birth for 90 days!

Something to Talk About:

Discuss this question with your spouse: “What do you think is our biggest strength as a couple? How do we make the most of it?”

Awesome MarRiage This week

This Week’s Trivia Answer:

  • 364 licks!

Kim KimberlingComment