From Fighting to Engaging
This Week’s Quick Hits:
The Die Hard movies are among my favorites. In them, Bruce Willis plays John McClane, a tough Irish-American detective lieutenant with the NYPD. There are an endless number of great quotes from this movie series but here are some of my favorite Bruce Willis quotes as he celebrates his 67th birthday this month!
“I’m much more proud of being a father than being an actor.”
“I wake up laughing every day. I get a kick out of life.”
“My wife heard me say I love you a thousand times, but she never once heard me say I’m sorry.”
“Your kids need your love and attention, and being able to devote myself to them is very fulfilling. As I get older, spending time with my daughters makes things much easier. You learn to put your ego aside.”
“Balding is God's way of showing you are only human. He takes the hair off your head and puts it in your ears.”
And a little “Die Hard “Trivia
What is John McClane's catchphrase?
Name the chauffeur sent to pick up John McClane in Die Hard.
Where is Die Hard With A Vengeance set?
What is the name of John McClane's daughter?
In Die Hard, how does John McClane get the attention of Sergeant Al Powell?
(Answers Below)
“Covering Your Spouse’s Vulnerabilities”
Listen:
“What You Can Control When Marriage Feels Out of Control”
Last week we talked about what a one-sided marriage looks like, and how to tell if you are in one. This week, Lindsay and I will talk about 5 things that can help you and your marriage, even if your spouse isn’t on board. Remember, “the only person you can control is you.” Join us!
Watch:
This is the final vlog in the series on your health and your marriage. When I met Jack and Kennedy, they did not have a real counseling issue. They had a personal health issue. They would never have divorced but they were headed for a dead end if things did not change. How does your personal health affect your marriage both today and in the future?
Insights:
In 2015, Zondervan published my first book, “7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage.” It was a bestseller when it debuted on Amazon and continues to sell well. For the next few weeks, I want to go through those seven secrets with you. Wherever your marriage is today, I believe these secrets will take it to a whole new level.
Secret #4: “ENGAGE: How to Fight Right”
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “conflict?” Most of us do not get warm fuzzy feelings. Depending on our life experiences, our responses can range from an unpleasant thought to absolute fear.
Conflict in marriage can play out in a number of ways. Some couples go toe to toe. It is an all out battle to the end and someone will eventually win. In other couples, one is dominant and the other passive. The fights do not usually last long as the dominant one quickly overpowers the passive one either verbally or physically.
There are a lot of combinations in between but the bottom line is that very few couples handle conflict in a healthy way. It may look different from one marriage to another but it is there. Actually, if a couple told me they never had conflict, I would think one of two things: 1) They are either totally unconnected, or 2) they are not being honest with me.
Think about the times of conflict in your marriage. How do you handle them? If you fight to the finish, you get one winner and two losers - the losing spouse and the marriage. If one dominates the other, trust is broken and self-protective walls are built. Often, I see couples in a conflict pattern. They fight about almost everything. They don’t choose their battles well at all. Repeated and unresolved conflict will eventually kill a marriage.
What if instead of conflict we switch to “engage?” Let’s be honest, every marriage has conflict. Marriage is designed for conflict! We are different by design and differences can cause conflict. We either embrace our differences or we let them tear us apart. It took us a long time to figure that out but when we did our marriage literally turned around. We went from fighting to engaging.
There is so much to learn from the Bible but there is one short verse that turns conflict into engaging. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” That’s it.
Break that down: (1) Listen to your spouse. Really listen and value what they say. Embrace any differences. (2) Take your time before you speak so that you do not say something you will later regret. (3) Finally, control your anger. That will be tough for some of you because you either have never controlled it or you have not controlled it for a very long time.
These three steps put the lid on conflict and set an atmosphere of engagement where differences can be resolved and valued.
Next Steps:
Pray that with God’s help, James 1:19 is written on your heart in such a way that it is always your first response.
Answers to Die Hard Trivia:
“yippee-kai-yay”
Argyle
New York
Lucy
Drops a body on his car
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